mod_rails: Like Butter
Jimmy pointed me to Passenger (mod_rails) which is by far the easiest way to deploy a Ruby on Rails app through Apache.
Simply install Passenger (single command install, nonetheless) and point Apache to the folder that contains your Ruby on Rails app (DocumentRoot /your/cool/folder/) and you're done.
Restart Apache and your Rails app is running. This is amazingly simple after dealing with lighttpd and some of the others.
I set this up on my home Ubuntu server and am now in a daze of awe.